It's strange at the moment. I go from beig hyper and happy to miserable in the space of about three seconds. I've pretty much given up on uni, I'm officially a dropout. But I shouldn't be quitting yet, not until I actually have a job. But I can't help it, I can't face it. It's not that terrible really, it's just not my thing, and I've built it into some mountain in my head. Got my tragus pierced yeaterday, completely spontaneous. It makes me happy. Piercing holes in my body lifts my mood. It hurt like a bitch having it done, I was all cool and confident, having 5 ear piercings already, and then...eeeek! Parents arn't going to like it though, which makes me nervous. But I'm too old to be doing it to rebel from them, not that they'll see that. What I like about it is that few other people like it: it's an odd sort of vanity, I care how I look but only for me. I want to feel like I look nice, screw what other people think. I like to look good for me. Jen got her nose done, her parents are not including her in their will. The bastards. Went for a glass of wine afterwards, suddenly, sitting in the slug and lettuce, it dawned on me: I've grown up, I'm an adult.

Why do I look stupid in smart trousers?! I live in combats, jeans and Dr Martins. I have an interview comming up. No smart trousers fit me= trouble and panick ahead. bought 5 cd's today: Portis head, white zombie, metallica tributes, system of a down and Deftones. Also bought leggins to go with the camo skirt I bought yesterday, I don't feel me like in them. But it's nice to have a change. Sarah's leaving next year. Much as I love some people here, I couldn't stick around for much longer, if I liked my course, I dunno, guess I'd have to. Wow have I fucked up this year. But I've learned lots in the process, so it's ok right? The worst thing is I think I've diaapointed my parents and made them worry, never mind made the folk out £6000 for jack shit. I don't like myself very much somtimes. Not the me who has just sat around watching sex and the city all day, not to mention spent loads on cds. The only productive thing I've done is to post Jonny a reply letter, bless him. I'm gonna miss the people here next year, but if I get this job and they let me keep it even if I go to Africa or if i end up in Cardiff uni, the I'll still be around. My life is so fucking odd at the moment, i has absolutely no direction, path or structure and it's a strange way to live.